Monday, October 24, 2005


Originally uploaded by mscaprikell.
Sometimes you just have to stop taking life so seriously and just learn to laugh it off! This image portrays so perfectly what I need to do - Laugh: eyes wide shut and mouth wide open - without a care in the world! So much going on... so many thoughts that run through my head. I had found out a week ago that my mother has been committed to a psychiatric ward by my step-father; her MS has really brought her down and she has started "giving up" and threatening to commit suicide... THIS brought all the meaningless bullshit that has been going on in my life into complete proper perspective... and really helped me realize what is most important in life. These people here and their views of me pale in comparison to the pain that my mother is experiencing and the needs that she has at this time. I may have to travel at any given moment to be with her... this is quite challenging... but, thankfully, I have that covered... the Universe always seems to work things out and answer prayers in the most mysterious of ways... I am incredibly grateful to my best-friend for her extraordinary generosity during this most extremely troubling time in my life.

I will try to keep you all posted on how things are going with that situation... as well as I can anyway.

WORK.... today was one of THOSE days... I was informed that I have been doing one of my monthly transactions wrong. I had taken over this transaction in August - so it wasn't as LONG as most transactions... but the error that occured due to the missed "X" in a specific box... that created a real huge red light... well, I researched and found out WHY I had messed up the transaction... I had actually confused two transactions and put a note to "not reverse this one" ... when in actuality I was supposed to "Auto-Reverse" the entry and manually reverse the other one upon notice from another worker.... OY! The mess I made! So, I did clean up today for a better part of the morning... and then went on with my normal analysis on Mondays... upon completion of that, the "BUDGET" was briefly brought up, so I printed out all of the prep-activity and found the schedule which actually noted getting a piece of information out TODAY... okay, so it will go out tomorrow... at least it didn't wait a whole week and set us behind on the budget process. I am keeping a positive light on this budget season... that all things will go well and as closely to schedule as we hope... and that I will successfully perform this duty in addition to my many other normal daily and monthly duties... especially after having today's news hit me like a ton of bricks... days before the annual reviews... could I have any worse timing in the whole scheme of life? ACK! I am hoping that the positive and smooth processes that I have learned recently will show that I am one upon whom others can rely... and that my performance as an employee will be 100% or better at all times. Wow, I feel like I am writing my own letter for the review... "I hereby swear that the performance for the year to come will be honorable and proficient accounting...." Ugh! Living up to the expectations of others is demanding... and today's news didn't really sit well... I found where I *should have* asked for more concise explanations of transactions... rather than just "taking it on and running with it" ... so the only person I can blame is myself... though it would be so easy to say "Well, so-n-so didn't train me very well" or "The current worksheet wasn't concise enough to remind me to mark the X spot"... ultimately it is my resposibility to conform the worksheet and the trainer to my own specific needs... I need to be more clear with my communications... and here I thought I was doing so much better... hmmm.... learning still.

Okay... enough about work...

I read an article today that journaling actually helps relieve stress and other emotional/physical conditions as well... imagine that... I definitely have NOT been journaling enough as of late... or expressing myself to what the article calls "safe people"... those who would hold sacred the things that you share with them and not use them against you or internally personalize them.... WOW.... if that wasn't written for something recent in my life; I don't know what would better explain it. I do have a couple of people that I now (after serious thought and analysis) consider to be SAFE people to whom I can express myself openly. The sacred circle becomes even closer... intimate friends hold a special place in my heart. As a close friend had once told me before, "There are those in your life who are allowed certain levels of consideration and are allowed to do or say things that others would never get to do or say - because of the level of friendship." I hold that statement very closely now, for it resonates with a certain level of personal truth.

Okay... enough for today...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Quiet Days....

Fog at the Bay
Originally uploaded by mscaprikell.
Continue on. I don't know if it's just that much needed break from writing or what the deal is. I have a lot of things going on at this time... not sure I want to post about them all... so that makes for a quiet journal. Don't get me wrong... there are plenty of things going on inside the head that really should find an outlet... but I seem to be keeping things inside a bit longer as of late.

One thing that has kind of amused me... I check my stats now and again and see that I have a few "regular" readers. So, I know that I have someone at my work that checks in on me... the same IP address that I see when I check in from work myself. It's nice... I guess I get excited about having regular readers... I don't consider myself to be a busy site. Another of my regular readers, I've come to know as "Patricia Ericson"... that's the ID on the IP address... of course that's more than likely not the name of the person... but, for me it works... I have a "Patricia" visitor almost twice daily sometimes! Another favorite that I know is from Las Vegas... so it always warms my heart to see those visits. So... what's the draw of seeing who is looking at my site? Don't know... but it's been almost as regular as checking my email now. How many visitors... what search words (that can be hilarious in itself just seeing HOW people reach my site in google searches!!!)... I will copy some of the greatest searches one of these days and post it.

I can't believe I had only TWO posts in September... September FLEW by so quickly... what happened??? Am I blocking something? You ever have that happen? Ya know, have SO MUCH going on that you almost forget what has transpired? Am I really living my life or just watching a really surreal movie? That is an open-ended semi-rhetorical question. I could dive off the deep end and get all metaphysical, philosophical, and spiritual on it. BUT... just how far down the rabbit hole does one really want to go on a question like that?